- President Obama today announced a series of additional measures to restrict the scope of national surveillance activities...
- No longer guess citizens' political beliefs based on number of vowels in name.
- Scale back program installing microchips in all domestically-sold falafel.
- Concurrently, consumption of falafel no longer sufficient for inclusion on No-Fly List.
- End Mosqueteer™ juvenile recruitment program.
- No longer assume female suspect with towel around head after shower is wearing a "Terror Turban".
- End ban on sale of red and blue wires at Home Depot.
- Discontinue use of X-Ray Specs to see through headscarves.
- Audio-recognition software Ululation-Alert™ mode adjusted. (Too often triggered by Beyoncé songs.)
- Improve international relations with more frequent "Terrorists vs. Spies" softball games.
- Release all embargoed Cat Stevens CD's.
- Fabric shops no longer under suspicion if they sell muslin.
- Recalibrate facial-recognition software so that Terror Watch no longer triggered by beards.
- Reduce by one-third Follicle-Safe™ program, mandating hair stylists' installation of tracking devices in all Americans' scalps.
- Make optional previous requirement of blood tests for all viewers of Al Jazeera America.
- Wind down investigation of secret cabal promoting career of Kim Kardashian.
- Close files on most Senators who opposed Patriot Act.
- Restrict use of smartphone Secret Selfie™ function.
- Remove fingerprint sensors from hotel Korans.
- Identify female agents for Edward Snowden "make-up" sex.
- Remove "Worships Allah" from criteria of suspicious activities. (Frees 1.6 billion places on Watch List.)
- Improve image of surveillance agencies with "Thank You For Not Terrorizing" campaign.
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President Announces New Spy Restrictions
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